“The first step to change…is accepting your reality right now. Honoring your process. Compassionate self-awareness leads to change; harsh self-criticism only holds the pattern in place, creating a stubborn and defensive basic self. Be gentle with yourself as you would with a child. Be gentle but firm. Give yourself the space to grow.” — Dan Millman
Monthly Archives: August 2014
I might not be someone’s first choice, but undoubtedly I want to be a great choice.
I might not be in everybody’s good book but I work harder without any prejudice. .
I don’t pretend to be someone I’m not, because I’m pretty good at being me & making myself better n better.
I might not be proud of some of the things I’ve done in the past, but I’m proud that I still not gave Up & believe that one day I will proud of being Me.
Today, I may not perfect but I don’t agree that I can’t …
Everybody wants what feels good. Everyone wants to live a care-free, happy and easy life, to fall in love and have amazing sex and relationships, to look perfect and make money and be popular and well-respected and admired and a total baller to the point that people part like the Red Sea when you walk into the room.
Everyone would like that — it’s easy to like that.
If I ask you, “What do you want out of life?” and you say something like, “I want to be happy and have a great family and a job I like,” it’s so ubiquitous that it doesn’t even mean anything.
A more interesting question, a question that perhaps you’ve never
considered before, is what pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out.
Everybody wants to have an amazing job and financial independence — but not everyone wants to suffer through 60-hour work weeks, long commutes, obnoxious paperwork, to navigate arbitrary corporate hierarchies and the blasé confines of an infinite cubicle hell. People want to be rich without the risk, without the sacrifice, without the delayed gratification necessary to accumulate wealth.
Everybody wants to have great love life and an awesome relationship — but not everyone is willing to go through the tough conversations, the awkward silences, the hurt feelings and the emotional psychodrama to get there. And so they settle. They settle and wonder “What if?” for years and years and until the question morphs from “What if?” into “Was that it?” And when the lawyers go home and the alimony check is in the mail they say, “What was that for?” if not for their lowered standards and expectations 20 years prior, then what for?
Because happiness requires struggle. The positive is the side effect of handling the negative. You can only avoid negative experiences for so long before they come roaring back to life.
At the core of all human behavior, our needs are more or less similar. Positive experience is easy to handle. It’s negative experience that we all, by definition, struggle with. Therefore, what we get out of life is not determined by the good feelings we desire but by what bad feelings we’re willing and able to sustain to get us to those good feelings.
People want an amazing physique. But you don’t end up with one unless you legitimately appreciate the pain and physical stress that comes with living inside a gym for hour upon hour, unless you love calculating and calibrating the food you eat, planning your life out in tiny plate-sized portions.
People want to start their own business or become financially independent. But you don’t end up a successful entrepreneur unless you find a way to appreciate the risk, the uncertainty, the repeated failures, and working insane hours on something you have no idea whether will be successful or not.
People want a partner, a spouse. But you don’t end up attracting someone amazing without appreciating the emotional turbulence that comes with weathering rejections, building the sexual tension that never gets released, and staring blankly at a phone that never rings. It’s part of the game of love. You can’t win if you don’t play.
What determines your success isn’t “What do you want to enjoy?” The question is, “What pain do you want to sustain?” The quality of your life is not determined by the quality of your positive experiences but the quality of your negative experiences. And to get good at dealing with negative experiences is to get good at dealing with life.
There’s a lot of crappy advice out there that says, “You’ve just got to want it enough!”
Everybody wants something. And everybody wants something enough. They just aren’t aware of what it is they want, or rather, what they want “enough.”
Because if you want the benefits of something in life, you have to also want the costs. If you want the beach body, you have to want the sweat, the soreness, the early mornings, and the hunger pangs. If you want the yacht, you have to also want the late nights, the risky business moves, and the possibility of pissing off a person or ten thousand.
If you find yourself wanting something month after month, year after year, yet nothing happens and you never come any closer to it, then maybe what you actually want is a fantasy, an idealization, an image and a false promise. Maybe what you want isn’t what you want, you just enjoy wanting. Maybe you don’t actually want it at all.
Sometimes I ask people, “How do you choose to suffer?” These people tilt their heads and look at me like I have twelve noses. But I ask because that tells me far more about you than your desires and fantasies. Because you have to choose something. You can’t have a pain-free life. It can’t all be roses and unicorns. And ultimately that’s the hard question that matters. Pleasure is an easy question. And pretty much all of us have similar answers. The more interesting question is the pain. What is the pain that you want to sustain?
That answer will actually get you somewhere. It’s the question that can change your life. It’s what makes me me and you you. It’s what defines us and separates us and ultimately brings us together.
For most of my adolescence and young adulthood, I fantasized about being a musician — a rock star, in particular. Any badass guitar song I heard, I would always close my eyes and envision myself up on stage playing it to the screams of the crowd, people absolutely losing their minds to my sweet finger-noodling. This fantasy could keep me occupied for hours on end. The fantasizing continued up through college, even after I dropped out of music school and stopped playing seriously. But even then it was never a question of if I’d ever be up playing in front of screaming crowds, but when. I was biding my time before I could invest the proper amount of time and effort into getting out there and making it work. First, I needed to finish school. Then, I needed to make money. Then, I needed to find time. Then… and then nothing.
Despite fantasizing about this for over half of my life, the reality never came. And it took me a long time and a lot of negative experiences to finally figure out why: I didn’t actually want it.
I was in love with the result — the image of me on stage, people cheering, me rocking out, pouring my heart into what I’m playing — but I wasn’t in love with the process. And because of that, I failed at it. Repeatedly. Hell, I didn’t even try hard enough to fail at it. I hardly tried at all.
The daily drudgery of practicing, the logistics of finding a group and rehearsing, the pain of finding gigs and actually getting people to show up and give a shit. The broken strings, the blown tube amp, hauling 40 lbs. of gear to and from rehearsals with no car. It’s a mountain of a dream and a mile-high climb to the top. And what it took me a long time to discover is that I didn’t like to climb much. I just liked to imagine the top.
Our culture would tell me that I’ve somehow failed myself, that I’m a quitter or a loser. Self-help would say that I either wasn’t courageous enough, determined enough or I didn’t believe in myself enough. The entrepreneurial/start up crowd would tell me that I chickened out on my dream and gave in to my conventional social conditioning. I’d be told to do affirmations or join a mastermind group or manifest or something.
But the truth is far less interesting than that: I thought I wanted something, but it turns out I didn’t. End of story.
I wanted the reward and not the struggle. I wanted the result and not the process. I was in love with not the fight but only the victory. And life doesn’t work that way.
Who you are is defined by the values you are willing to struggle for. People who enjoy the struggles of a gym are the ones who get in good shape. People who enjoy long workweeks and the politics of the corporate ladder are the ones who move up it. People who enjoy the stresses and uncertainty of the starving artist lifestyle are ultimately the ones who live it and make it.
This is not a call for will power or “grit.” This is not another admonishment of
“no pain, no gain.”
This is the most simple and basic component of life: our struggles determine our successes. So choose your struggles wisely, my friend.
“No matter what happens, no matter how far you seem to be away from where you want to be, never stop believing that you will somehow make it. Have an unrelenting belief that things will work out, that the long road has purpose, that the things that you desire may not happen today, but they will happen. Continue to persist and persevere.”
— Brad Gast
This is new era where things changing at every nano seconds and everybody is running to match it.. Our wide world become a super global village more accessible more relevant more exclusive and more excited.. The world of work is also rapidly changing around us, ideas and technologies that were once considered fads and ‘nice to haves’ – are now edging their way to the fore front of how businesses grow – and for a large number of organisations, defining the very culture and values of the working environment.
Traditional business acumen and sound judgement will always play a large part in a person’s ability to lead a work force. However with a new suite of demands from customers, colleagues and competitors coming into play, what skills does the new age executive really need in order to lead a company into the heart of the 21 century?
The ability to form, articulate and lead a vision has always been essential; however there is a sudden rise in talented employees choosing a company to work for based on the purpose and goals of the business. Having a clear and meaningful vision to buy into, will attract top talent to your organisation.
The concept of thought leadership is a relatively new thing, but the idea of other businesses and customers wanting to work with you based on iconic people within your organisation has always been real, we just have better platforms for sharing it now. Having someone in your business deliver a TEDx talk or give a keynote at a significant industry event is gold dust from a brand profile point of view. So having the knowledge and personality to really champion your company when the time comes is vital.
Transparency, trust and honesty; all words that are being used more and more frequently in modern day business. The reason for this is simple, people who have context to their work, do a better job. They can make better decisions about the direction of their work and they will be more motivated, as they can attach the task to the result. A leader who can create open discussion around work tasks, listen to feedback from employees and provide useful information in return – will provide their staff with greater context and meaning, and will get better results for it.
If you don’t think you need some level of technical knowledge or appreciation these days, you’re on the way out. I got tired of IT managers proudly telling me ‘they weren’t technical’ a long time ago. Having an understanding of the technology your business is built on, whether it be the apps and software you sell to your customers, or the websites and social networks you use to acquire 90% of your new business… you must know how to engage in those conversations.
In addition to that you must also be able to apply some competent level of design and creativity. User/customer experience now spreads across all platforms; on-line, off-line and face-to-face. Knowing the importance of creating a delightful and consistence experience across all three is a very important feature of your business.
Nobody wants to work for a slave driver, nor do they want to look up at their managers as if they are kings and queens, and not to be interrupted.
Coming back to the idea of honesty among colleagues and customers, your staff want to know who you are, and better yet they want to know that you know who they are! Feeling connected to your business and removing that fear of hierarchy is the secret ingredient to healthier, happier working cultures. Work will only ever be as good as the relationships of the people doing it.
Your company must have tangible values that steer the behaviour of its staff. Knowing what makes a happy customer or an engaged employee, then championing the behaviours that got you there is the winning ticket.
Importantly, in order for your values and behaviours to be genuine and effective, the leaders of a business must buy in to them and live by them. As soon a culture of double standards begins to emerge, good staff start leaving. So don’t just promote the values of the business but shine a light on the people and the outcomes that do well by them, and empower everyone to call each other out when they are ignored… even if it is the CEO!